Fear has such a strong hold on me nowadays. It’s inside me so deep and keeps me from living my life.
It hasn’t always been like that. Quite the opposite in fact.
I was so daring, I stormed out of my house at age 14 determined to go to the beach with my 19 year old boyfriend although my mother forbade me to. So daring, that I didn’t come home after the beach but went nightclubbing instead. So daring that I didn’t return until the next morning. What a mess that was!
I spent my teenage years rebelling. I couldn’t handle my parents and they definitely couldn’t handle me! At 16, I left home. I spent a year on my own. I didn’t always know when my next meal would come nor if I’d have a roof over my head on any given night.
During my first year of college I worked as the weekend weather girl. Pretty terrifying to step in front of that camera live EVERY SINGLE week but I did it EVERY SINGLE week and it did get easier, although never easy.
At 20, I went to Germany. A new place. A new job. I saw snow for the first time and that’s all I saw every day of the four months I stayed there. It was a miserable time, but not the end of the world and I made some great friends.
From Germany, I went to France. Lived on my savings. Shacked up with a boyfriend. That was daring… and stupid but I didn’t know any better back then.
Once I returned home, I was offered a job back at the TV station. The director made it clear that getting the job would require that I perform some extra-curricular activities -if you get my drift…. Oh I really wanted that job so I asked for a meeting. I was afraid, very afraid… Yet I looked him straight in the eyes, and told him to fire me right there and then because I wasn’t about to slut my way to the top. He pretended that his indecent proposal had just been to test my integrity, and gave me the job. I kept my clothes on…and kept my dignity. So daring! And so worth it.
Shortly thereafter, I met The One. Eight months later, I dared quitting my dream job. I dared leaving my friends and family. I dared flying across the world to move to Los Angeles and marry this man I barely knew.
Was I scared back then? Terrified! I closed my eyes, and jumped with both feet.
It hasn’t all been roses and fairy tales but I’ve had a good life so far. It’s not that I didn’t feel fear before but I acted in spite of it. So why do I allow fear to hold me back now?
My husband says that, because I have more to lose now I’d rather not risk anything. If he’s right then I’m doing it all wrong.
I must remember that my current life is the result of daring acts. Fear doesn’t have to disappear, it must be conquered. In ten days, I’ll be thirty.
In ten years, I hope I will have dared more than I feared.
How did you feel when your turned 30? How do you hope it will be if you’re not there yet? Share in the comment section below.
Your blog is amazing! Speaks right to my heart. I have a 3 month old, a loving husband, together 10 years before we had our son, I have a similar very analytical brain, prone to anxiety, need my sleep, love to look for hope even as I am a skeptic be nature. You have perspective. Reading your words is like a balm of truth applied over my heart. Thank you.
I don’t know how I missed all your comments (I’m supposed to receive notifications when someone posts) but man today feels like Christmas! Thank you.
Awwwww, you’re welcome!!!!!!!!! That’s so cool!!! Your blog was 10000 more than Christmas morning to me, so I’m very glad to be able to share my appreciation and reflect back to you what a difference your blog makes!