I was 34 and married twelve years before I became a mother. We had wanted that baby and carefully planned for it. Pregnancy was wonderful. Labor and delivery, something I look back fondly on. We brought home a newborn with a mild case of jaundice and, for the first week, all she did was sleep. We thought we had hit the jackpot and that parenting was going to be a piece of cake. Then… the jaundice wore off. Our baby cried a lot, slept very little. I cried too and slept even less. I felt overwhelmed and exhausted. The first three months were the hardest and not a day went by that I didn’t regret the decision of becoming a mother. Fast forward 8 years and life is a lot easier. There is very little crying in the house. Everyone sleeps through the night. I’m definitely glad to be a mom (most of the time anyway).
Becoming a mother is akin to entering a long dark tunnel. The first few months of motherhood can be dark and gloomy. You move slowly feeling your way around, stumbling repeatedly but you keep moving even if you have to crawl your way forward. You keep trudging along and slowly you regain your footing, you recover your balance. You’re steadier, stronger and soon you see it, faintly at first and then more clearly: the light at the end of the tunnel. You hurry on forward and finally make it to the other side, transformed.
I hope I can offer a glimmer of hope to the new mom who is struggling in the dark right now.
Nothing’s wrong with you.
I don’t think there is a more naively optimistic creature than the woman who is pregnant with her first child. Very few people are willing to burst our bubble by telling us exactly how hard it’s going to be. So we’re alone at home with a screaming infant that we cannot soothe no matter what we try and we assume that we’re part of the problem since we’re obviously not part of the solution. Moms are supposed to have super powers and we clearly have none. We feel scared, lonely, yet we’re not alone.
I’m pretty sure every first mom on the planet has felt this way at one time or another. Why is it we don’t tell each other? We’re ashamed of our feelings of inadequacy and fear being labeled as unfit mothers. Your baby’s constant crying does not make you a bad mother. We can only do what we can do and we must endure what we cannot change.
Parents of calm babies don’t get it but I’m here to tell you: it’s not your fault.
This too shall pass.
Nothing lasts forever. If I had known this deep in my heart when I first became a mother, everything would have been easier.
It would have been easier to endure the sleep deprivation if I had known and believed that a day would come when my baby would sleep for 6 hours straight (nowadays my 8 year old sleeps 10.5 hours each night).
It would have been easier to hold my crying infant if I had known and believed that a day would come when it would stop.
It would have been easier to look at my mess of a house if I had known and believed that a day would come when I’d have the time and energy to clean again.
My little baby no longer exists and I regret not having enjoyed this time more because I lacked perspective.
The hard days WILL pass.
Don’t do it alone.
My baby screamed in her carseat, screamed in her stroller, screamed every night. I had popped my tailbone while giving birth and couldn’t sit down comfortably for months. Going out of the house was daunting so I didn’t. I had no family nearby. I stayed home and never felt as lonely as in those first few months. In hindsight, I now realize, I should have packed up my crying baby and gone to the park or playground anyway. It didn’t matter that my child couldn’t even play yet: I needed the interaction. I needed to meet other moms. Only after she turned one, did I finally join a mommy-baby workout class and it changed everything.
Human beings are meant to be social beings. Go find other moms who’ve been there, done that and can guide you along the way.
To all the new moms out there who are struggling. My heart goes out to you. Mothering is hard and that first year is the hardest. It’s not you, it’s just the nature of the job. We’re thrown in the deep from day one. Take heart, you are going to figure this out. It will be easier (though I’m not saying easy). Be kind to yourself. Remember that parenting unfolds in seasons. Not all seasons will be equally demanding. Sleeping, taking a shower and eating a warm meal all on the same day will happen once again. I promise!
“Everything is going to be okay in the end.
If it’s not okay, it’s not the end”
If you know a mom who could benefit from this message, please share. Thank you for reading.
Great advice as usual. You are helping many new mothers.
So beautiful. Every word. This put me nearly in tears which I held back because my 3 month old is napping on me :). There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The first few months especially first, were completely the hardest thing I have ever been through, including being much worse than IVF. I did not have an “easy” baby or experience. Now he smiles and coos, he enjoys a lot more of life, he sleeps more, I know (a little) more, and life is SO much better. I learned how much minimum sleep I need and how to get it. Everyone’s issues are different (and there are a lot more than one at a time hitting you!!), but that was the main one for me. I have adjusted a lot better, pulled through hour by hour, day by day, problem by problem, grief by grief. So much shame and overwhelm and just the depth of the whole thing, but YET. There was always hope. Always a nugget of truth that would come through each day. A friend to take a call at 1am when I was acting insane, for example…I’m a morning person, I don’t call people past 9, and certainly not three people at 1am to ask them to “explain” something to my husband! Which I DID. Two or three times!! And I have a great marriage, I swear. Anyway, it got so much better. Today, I just had a hard hour (lol), just a little tired and feeling run down, and came looking for encouragement. It gets so much better. There is help out there. There is hope. There are others who have walked the same road and figured out what might work, for you too. I want to give it to anyone who might read this, and especially to encourage you to keep writing.
I’m hoping things continue to get easier as baby grows and that you’re able to sleep more. Sleeping is by far my best parenting tool 🙂.
You can expect to see me back at writing soon. Your encouragement will not go
to waste.
Ooooooooo that’s awesome; I am SO happy to hear that you will be back at writing soon!!! On the other hand, I respect if you need to step back, because as you have written about so well, you should only write if it is what you need/want to do and if it fits well into your life at this time. The wisdom of what you’ve already written is fortunately still there for others to read. If for any reason you realize that you don’t want to keep writing, I will continue to re-read (as I do now) when I need a “wisdom” reminder or mom encouragement. Having said that, I am really really excited that you are planning on writing again!!! There are so many layers to parenthood and I would really love to glean more wisdom from you! From my own personal perspective, I really really hope that you decide to keep writing 🙂
And thank-you for your hope; it does get easier, and even when it’s hard again, I have the perspective and some tools to get back on track versus feeling completely lost. It’s a huge difference. And sleep is the #1 for me too 🙂 🙂
I do want to start again. Writing is how I process my thoughts. One big reason why I haven’t is that my daughter no longer goes to Saturday classes during which I used to write. I just have to figure out when I can do it now. As with everything, I must focus on making it a habit again.
That is so cool, it’s such a powerful thing to have that space to process. Ah yes that makes sense – your time is gone and has to be re-figured out 🙂 I love your insight!