Essay 149: Cause We are Beautiful

Every Christmas, I order a personalized ornament with a photo of our daughter that represents the past year. In the process, I usually take a moment to look at the many wonderful snapshots of our little girl. The curls. The chubby cheeks. The twinkly eyes and dimpled smiles. So adorable. This year, however, the photos that really stunned me were photos of… me! I scrolled and clicked on image after image and the beautiful woman staring back took me by surprise. That woman had smooth skin. The melasma patches on her cheeks were still under the surface. That woman’s body was slim, her tummy firm with abs showing. That woman had uniformly black hair. No silver tinsel strands. And yet, I know for a fact that she did not find herself beautiful. 

I came upon a particular set of three photos showing her posing from the front, side, “Before” shots, taken at the start of a new diet or fitness program no doubt. I chuckled a sad little laugh. Right now, I would be very glad to have that “Before” body as my “After”!

That’s when the realization hit me: my whole life, I have been dissatisfied with my appearance. To my own eyes, I have never been “enough”. Not slim enough. Not fit enough. Not beautiful enough. 

I can only think of two occasions when I came close.

Once when I was twenty with a new job and a new group of friends from my newly found martial arts hobby. I didn’t turn to food to soothe me. I exercised for fun. Logically, I lost weight but the number on the scale was not the reason I felt pretty. I was simply filled with friendship, purpose, and life.

The second time was in 2019, after I started taking antidepressants. At first, the medication curbed my appetite. Then I became too busy being happy to overeat. I channeled my newfound energy into yoga classes. I also started bicycling for the first time in my adult life. By January 2020, I was the slimmest I had ever been. Although I was thrilled about leaner legs and a smaller booty and although I enjoyed wearing skinny jeans, I wasn’t crazy about my protruding clavicle and breastbone. Even then, at my supposed “ideal” weight, I wasn’t fully content.

This lighter version of myself was short lived anyway. COVID happened. I hopped into bed with a box of chocolates. After one year of this new regimen, I had gained 20 pounds and, by January 2021, I was the heaviest I had been since the first year of our marriage. Even after I gave up the chocolates, the pounds hung on tenaciously and I continued to gain weight. Only after adding resistance training to my exercise routine a few months ago, have I been able to keep the number on the scale from rising any further. 

As I looked at the photos of years past, whether skinny me or heavier me was posing, today’s me only saw a beautiful woman. A radiant pregnant woman in 2009. A tired but laughing mother of a toddler in 2012. A glowing 37 year old who looked a decade younger in 2017.

How much time have I wasted looking in the mirror and not liking what I saw? How much emotional energy have I spent wishing to change my physical appearance? How much effort have I put into trying to change my body?

A never ending, fruitless pursuit.

I listen to my friends, I read blogs, I watch reels and I know that I am not the only one suffering from this syndrome. When asked, “How many times in your life have you looked in the mirror and been completely satisfied with what you saw? the women in my circle all took a long time to answer until they finally conceded it was “less than a handful”, and mostly in their youth. 

This is a sad state of affairs. All of these women are intelligent, driven, accomplished women. All are beautiful in MY eyes.

This needs to stop and I’m starting immediately! 

Twenty years from now, I’ll look at the photos taken this Christmas 2023 and I’m sure I’ll find this almost 50 year old mother of a teenager positively gorgeous and youthful. Why wait 20 years? I am committed to love myself NOW! I am determined to accept myself NOW.  I resolve to find myself beautiful NOW! 

Won’t’ you please join me? 

PS: If you need help lifting the veil that is clouding your vision, see yourself through my eyes and know that, without a doubt, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!