Essay 142: Tools for teenagers (and grown ups) who deal with anxiety and depression

I signed up as a chaperone for my daughter’s most recent camping trip. One evening, I was making my way to the restrooms by tiptoeing behind a group of teenage boys when one of them interjected in my direction: “if you kill yourself, do you go to hell or heaven?”

I am rarely speechless but that question, at that moment, stunned me into momentary silence. After I recovered, I recommended he ask his pastor as I was not equipped to answer such a complicated theological question. But then it dawned on me that this 16 year old was not concerned with theology. He was hurting. 

“Are you asking theoretically or are you dealing with this right now?” I asked.
“I’m dealing with this”, he said quietly. 

I put my bladder on emergency hold and sat down next to him. 
“Did something happen recently to make you feel this way?”
“No. I just feel depressed and my medication is not working. Nobody cares about me. I’m a military kid and we’ve moved around so much, I don’t feel I’ve ever had a place to call home.I don’t even know what’s the point of living.”

Besides the military part, I knew exactly how he felt and I hoped I could figure out what to say to help him. I only had a few minutes. I didn’t just want to make him feel better. I wanted to give him tools so he could make himself feel better. This is what I shared with him. 

Problem: all or nothing thinking: 
I wanted him to realize that “Nobody cares about me” was an exaggerated statement. Whenever our inner monologue employs words such as ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘everyone’, and ‘no one’, we are very likely distorting reality.  

Tool:
1: Increase your awareness. 
These words are red flags. Train yourself to recognize them. 

2: Pause.
When you catch yourself using them, pause. Breathe. This simple action will help prevent spinning deeper into negative thinking mode.

3: Assess objectively
“Do you think anyone here cares about you? I’m pretty sure quite a few kids here care. I care. I know the camp leader cares. I’m sure your mother cares VERY much about you,” I told him. 

Step three involves asking yourself questions and answering them as objectively as possible. You may feel like nobody cares, but is that true? Which brings me to the next problem. 

Problem: feelings are not facts. 
When our body chemistry is out of whack, the likelihood to feel anxiety and depression increases and we can more easily mistake those feelings for facts. Even when we can’t name a reason for those feelings. We may not know why we feel sad but, since we do, we believe something bad and wrong in our life must be the cause. Unfortunately, our feelings are not always reliable informants. Hunger can affect our feelings. Lack of sleep can too. And, of course, hormones. Too much or not enough of any given hormone can wreak havoc on our emotional well-being. Teenagers are especially at risk. 

Tool:
1: Make it a mantra: feelings are not facts.
Feelings are not reliable. They are subjective and fickle. By reminding ourselves, we can take some control back despite what we feel. 

2: Change your feelings. This is not always possible but it is worth trying. 
Short term: change your posture
When we feel sad, depressed, or anxious, we often cast our eyes down and hunch over. Standing straight, with our head up and shoulders back can quickly snap us out of our funk. If you can muster the energy, I recommend adding a smile, even if it’s a fake one. 
Long term: exercise
One of the most effective ways to regulate our hormones, and thus our emotions, is to exercise. Exercise helps our body release “feel good” chemicals like serotonin and endorphins. In my experience, the higher the intensity, the better. Boxing and kickboxing can especially work wonders. Who doesn’t want to punch something when they feel bad? 🙂

Problem: negative self-talk
I don’t know why but, a lot of us tend to be very mean when we talk to ourselves. We use words we would never tell anyone else. We call ourselves stupid, lame, lazy, weird, incapable… to name a few. This boy’s inner monologue was entirely bleak. After pointing it out, I gave him this assignment.

Tool:
1: be your own best friend
Do not belittle yourself or use pejorative words in your self-talk. 

2: rewrite the story
Because what we tell ourselves are just that: stories. Not fact. Not truth. Not reality. 

We see so and so whisper together, and we imagine they are badmouthing us. 
We are not invited to a party and we decide we’re the loser no one wants to hang out with.
Someone cuts us off in traffic and we assume they’re jerks who like to annoy everyone else. 

These are all stories we’ve imagined. It’s usually impossible to find out if they’re true. If we’re going to imagine, why not imagine something good?
Maybe that person whispered because she didn’t want you to hear about the surprise birthday party she was organizing for you.
Maybe you were not invited only because there was a limited amount of space available.
Maybe the person sped through that red light because his wife was in the hospital. 

Do you see how you would feel differently based on what version of the story you choose to believe? 

It took me at least a decade to learn these tools and apply them to my life. I don’t suspect that this young man will be miraculously all better now. But I may have been the very first person to show him he has some power over the matter. The first to tell him that what he can’t control, he can endure and that it will be worth it. 

When I was 16, I chugged a bottle of Jack Daniels every weekend and slept in deserted public gardens because I didn’t have a home to go to. I didn’t see the point of living then. I couldn’t have even dreamed that, one day, I’d be married 25 years to a wonderful man, that we’d be living in our dream house in Hawaii, that we’d be raising a healthy, happy, joyful daughter, that we’d be traveling the world as a family. 

Thirty years later, I get the point of living. 

It’s still, at times, about suffering and becoming stronger through the pain. It’s mostly about experiencing and growing through those experiences. It’s especially about loving. Loving family. Loving friends. Loving neighbors and strangers. 

First and foremost, it’s about loving yourself, or at least learning to. 

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It’s been a while since I’ve published an essay. 16 months to be exact. I’m planning on posting once/week again. Thank you for reading.