Essay 139: The Girl who Thought She Could not Change

My husband always cites my ability to change as my superpower. How ironic that when we navigated the ups and downs of our first years of marriage, I kept proclaiming: “This is who I am! I can’t change!” 

There’s no mystery as to why I thought that. I had been raised in a culture that didn’t believe in self improvement. So much so, it didn’t have a word for it. 

My first transformation came within weeks of our wedding day when I decided to stop smoking. My husband hated it, something he had failed to mention during our eight-month short courtship. Since I had never pictured myself with a cigarette in hand at 65, it was as good a time as ever to quit. 
I remember a particular trying moment: me lying on my stomach, crying on the carpeted floor of our apartment, begging for JUST ONE MORE. My husband, lying on top of me and hugging me tight, whispering in my ears: “You can do it. You can do it. You can do it.” It was rough.
Even after my body had healed from the chemical addiction, it only took a sip of coffee to ignite the desire for one more Marlboro (my brand of choice): one drag, one puff, one blissful exhale of smoke. In fact, the habitual addiction was so tough to overcome, the cravings only truly disappeared a few years ago even though I quit in 1998!

My second transformation came simultaneously. My husband had been vegetarian for a few years when we met. One day, before teaching a martial arts lesson, he handed me a small book to read while waiting. I finished What’s Wrong with Eating Meat by Vistara Parham during the one-hour class and have never eaten meat since! Soon after, I also quit dairy when realizing that my beloved yogurt was contributing to chronic nasal congestion. I tested that theory three times though not at all thrilled to abstain from the creamy goodness. 

Burton handed me more books: Creative visualization by Shakti Gawain. You can Heal your Life by Louise Hay. As a Man Thinketh by James Allen. Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda.

I read. I learned. I changed. Not all at once. Not all perfectly. But slowly and surely, I was becoming a better version of myself. 

I exercised after years of a sedentary lifestyle. I stretched. I took care of what I fed my body and my mind. I paid attention to my thoughts and the words I spoke to myself and others. I stuck post-it notes with positive affirmations on the bathroom mirror, on the fridge, on the walls. 

I changed. My marriage changed. My life changed. And then I changed some more. 

I started scrapbooking. I danced Tahitian. I became a martial arts instructor. I grew a baby. I took up yoga. I wrote. I earned a black belt in jiu jitsu. I went to therapy.  I got back on a bike. I moved to my dream house.

This year, I am uncovering yet a new iteration of myself and a most surprising one. Meet the new fashion-conscious, skincare connoisseur, and makeup loving Sarah. 

I have a new wardrobe. I pose for Instagram worthy pictures. Yesterday, I bought a black mascara, something I hadn’t done since I was a teenager. I shop at Ulta and Sephora and even signed up for their rewards program!!! I indulge in a morning and evening self care routine. I slather lotion on my body after I shower. And… drum roll, I put on lipstick! This may be run of the mill stuff for most women but for me, it is MAJOR! 

To be completely transparent, I am still adjusting, feeling at times a bit self-conscious about my newfound frivolity. Not wearing make up used to be part of my identity! Getting ready in five minutes was amazing! I prided myself on my low maintenance status but I’m having too much fun to overthink this. Right now makeup feels good, dressing up feels good, and, by golly, I deserve to feel good!

Switching from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset has been the most significant factor in improving my quality of life. Change is inevitable after all. We might as well embrace it and, when possible, proactively implement it. 

22 year old Sarah was wrong. She could change. She did change.
46 year old Sarah can’t wait to change some more!

“Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.” John Maxwell