Essay 135: The Talk About the Birds and The Bees

I have written extensively about my shortcomings as a parent but today, I am sharing one of my strengths: talking about the birds and the bees. A lot of parents are uncomfortable and avoid the subject. Not me!

Our daughter has learned male and female anatomy. She’s known about menstruation for years. We’ve discussed ovulation, vaginal discharge, and even why some people choose to shave “down there” (a conversation prompted by our visits to the hot baths in Japan where everyone swims naked!).

Because she’s an animal lover and spends lots of time in nature, she’s seen mating creatures and the occasional horse or bull have an erection.

When she was about 4 yo, she insisted I buy this book for her at a garage sale: A Child is Born by Lennart Nilsson. It is meant for expectant parents and includes graphic photographs of life in the womb and birthing. For years, despite not knowing how to read yet, she poured over this book daily. When she was 8, she came to me holding it and asked:

“Mommy, what’s a cervix?”

I answered her question by taking her with me to my yearly well-woman exam. The obstetrician had delivered her and knew us well. He didn’t mind explaining the paps smear procedure and showing her my cervix in the process. Some might find this unusual, even crazy but it was the most matter of fact way to teach our daughter. I don’t want her own body to feel like a big mystery to her.

As she got older, we explained more things: we talked about ovulation, and sperm and how the one must meet the other in order for a baby to be conceived. However, she never asked us how they meet! Last year, wanting to get it over with, I brought up the subject but she wasn’t interested. We waited some more. A few months ago, my husband and I decided to be proactive about THE talk. We wanted her to find out about the mechanics of conception from us, not from her peers. We knew that the longer we waited, the more likely someone else was going to spill the beans. One evening after dinner, we casually asked:

“You know that in order to have a baby the sperm must find the egg, but do you know HOW that happens?”

“No,” she responded. “I’ve always wondered how the sperm gets deposited!”

I explained that ejaculation propels the sperm out of the penis into the vagina.

“But how?”

I explained what an erection is.
I mostly asked HER questions to gauge what she already knew and understood. When she drew this picture and demonstrated with two of her stuffed animals, we felt confident she had gotten the point.

But last night, at bedtime, she asked me sheepishly:

“Mommy, how does making babies happen in people?”

After my initial surprise and some gentle probing, I found out about an interesting conversation she had had with a 7 yo friend that day. A few years back, the little girl had walked in on her parents doing “it” and she gave my daughter a detailed description, including their various state of undress, the freakishly close proximity and the fact that her mom hadn’t said much while her dad just had gotten angry and stormed off out of the house.

My daughter was squirming next to me, obviously curious, yet uncomfortable too and a bit worried as to how I would react to this revelation.

I took her in my arms and explained it this way:

“First of all, it is not your friend’s fault that she saw what she saw. Her parents should have gotten dressed and explained what had just happened.

Here is the answer to your question:

A man’s penis must actually enter a woman’s vagina in order for the sperm to be deposited close enough to the egg. The penis is like a key and the vagina is the opening into which the key is inserted. How easy would it be to open a door with a play-dough key do you think?

(She laughed.)

Not easy! A key is hard and rigid. A penis must also become hard in order to be able to enter the vagina. You have mentioned to me in the past that a dog’s penis gets bigger when he gets excited. It is the same for men. It would be very inconvenient if they walked around like that all the time so males have an erection when they get excited and that allows the penis to enter the vagina. The ejaculation happens inside.

In animals, that’s all there is to it. I don’t think there are feelings, emotions, or even much pleasure involved. In humans, it is different: we have a body, a heart, AND a spirit.

Some people decide to only involve their body; that is called SEX.

We are designed to feel with our bodies. When I caress your arm like this, it feels good and you get goosebumps. When our body matures and becomes adult, women start feeling more sensations, in particular in our vagina and our breasts. When you get older, you’ll start feeling this too. But remember, the body is only concerned with making sure the human specie doesn’t become extinct. So you have to be in control of your body, not the other way around.

Although sex can be pleasurable, there is another option, a better option called MAKING LOVE.

When you wait until you find a man who truly loves you and has promised to cherish and honor you, you share your body, heart, AND spirit with one another. When a husband and wife kiss and hug, they want to get as close as possible and become one and it is wonderful and amazing.

“What does sexual mean?”

“Sexual is used for anything that relates to sex. For example, sexual desire is what you feel lower in your vagina when you are an adult.”

“I feel that sometimes now.”

“I think that what you feel now is called attraction. It is like a flutter in your heart and thoughts in your mind, no?”

“Yes.”

“So you and daddy made me like this?”

“Yes, we did. We wanted to be as close as possible. And it is my wish that you will experience this with your husband one day.”

We lay silent for a while, then my daughter rolled onto her bed and grabbed my hand. She gave it a squeeze and softly said:

“Thank you mommy.”

I squeezed her hand back feeling immense gratitude.

Despite all my shortcomings and all of the parenting mistakes I have made and all the ones that are sure to come, right there and then I had done an excellent job. My daughter had trusted me and I had honored that trust. We had become closer because I could talk to her openly and honestly.

I hope this can be an inspiration to you. Don’t wait until your children find out (for they will). Tell them yourself. You won’t regret it!

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