I have shared quite a bit about everything good that has happened since I started taking anti-depressants. My life has changed because I have changed: in the way I act and relate to the people surrounding me; in the way, I react to circumstances as they arise. I have never been happier. There is one aspect of my life though that is now a greater struggle: discipline.
My former anxious self had no trouble running our household and schedule rigorously. Bedtime, wake up time, meal time were all regimented. I had rules and routines for myself and for my daughter and strictly enforced them.
Now that my serotonin levels are no longer unbalanced, I have opened the tight fist that clenched onto everything. My more tranquil attitude has fostered a greater sense of connection with my daughter and a more peaceful home atmosphere but there have been some unexpected challenges.
Not quite by design, our homeschool has turned into unschooling.
My newfound joy exhorts me to spend the sunny days at the beach and the rainy ones in the warmth of my comfy bed.
My increased levels of energy invite me to go for bike rides, long walks and more yoga.
My higher tolerance for clutter is causing piles of clothes and books to sprout in most rooms. Dishes are not systematically done every night. Floors don’t get swept the moment I see crumbs. Messes and dirt no longer set me on edge. I still believe that a clean house is best but I now choose reading over vacuuming and napping over folding clothes.
The most puzzling part of my metamorphosis has been in my parenting style. It’s a big leap to jump from being an authoritarian mother to a permissive one. Our entire family is adjusting. I used to be the one in charge of discipline in our house and now, truthfully, I don’t care as much.
Her clothes in front of the toilet on the floor don’t make me cringe.The rolls of scotch tape and piles of cardboard strewn all over don’t ignite anger. Even when I caught her sneaking TV time while we were sleeping one morning, I didn’t get mad. I just laughed as she stuttered a lame excuse for her behavior.
I don’t recognize myself.
Unschooling can work but not when it’s unintentional.
Unfolded clothes are not a tragedy but it’s easier to tackle one load right away than wait and stare at a Mount Everest sized pile on the armchair.
And as much as it pains me to admit, I can’t go to the beach every time the weather is good: I live in Hawaii for goodness sake!
Sure I’m more jolly, more patient. Sure, a calm mother is undeniably a good thing but I need to find a better balance. I’ve gone from one extreme to another and now I need to make my way to the middle. I don’t want to go back to yelling or to my borderline OCD tendencies, but boundaries are necessary, routines are helpful.
I gave myself grace these past few months. I let myself enjoy and savor all I could. My spirit and my heart took an extended vacation. I am glad that joy has replaced sadness. It is a most welcome guest but, unexpectedly, an untidy, unruly guest, albeit always cheerful and ready for fun. Now joy must be tamed to serve me. Now I must live more reasonably.
It’s time to wake up.
Slowly but surely, layer by layer, I will continue to strive to be the best me I can be. I am so excited to become acquainted with this next iteration of my self, and the next, and the next.
As Jim Rohn so succinctly and poetically states:
“Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.”
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I love your post! I’m so happy that you found such deep joy and are living your life to the fullest! This is such an interesting problem to have, yet what a blessing to have it! You are no longer constantly motivated by fear! As a non-medicated person who has a similar temperament, I can relate to your “exhibit A” so much. And I’ve had best friends who are so chill and truly enjoy life a lot more, but do struggle more to accomplish “all the things” than I do. When I briefly took an antidepressant, it affected my taste buds and I found my binge eating actually increased even though I felt “normal” for the first time, and I think part of it was that I just didn’t care as much about being perfect. I am really into yummy food and stopped the meds for that reason (and trying to get pregnant and then nursing), but it would have been interesting to see how I could have learned and grown from that challenge. Anyway, your growth and response to the meds is so cool. I trust that with your insight and commitment to self growth, that you absolutely will figure this out.
It really is an interesting problem. I did do the dishes last night (hadn’t in 4 days!!! A new record for me), put away the piles of books and swept the floor. I put homeschool on the schedule and will fold the clothes. (2 loads). Funny thing is that I have been much more efficient with my office work (which I used to hate) while being more carefree on the home front…
That’s so interesting (and cool) that you don’t mind the office work so much! Just thinking aloud – knowing how intentional you are about life – and now that you’ve thoroughly enjoyed your extended vacation but sense that you must live more reasonably, I wonder if you could get this out on paper and make a concrete plan. I’m not sure if this is too type A or too much advice, so feel free to disregard it, lol! But I’m picturing you sitting down (in a relaxing place, of course 🙂 🙂 and writing out all of that’s super important to you now and trying to get it on a schedule. It could be very simple and unstructured, or it could be very specific (2-3PM Monday yoga, Tuesday bike ride, etc), or somewhere in the middle (2-4PM is my open play time), leaving in as much space as you want for sunny days at the beach, time in your comfy bed, bike rides, long walks and yoga. You could ponder how much of a schedule works best for you versus is either too rigid or too undisciplined. And thoughtfully pondering some minimums in there for chores, then specifically listing whatever you decide. And that might give you the space to think, what do I really really want? Maybe now you’re completely comfortable with doing the dishes every other day, but don’t want to let it go 4 days generally, for example (and you don’t want to revert back to your old taskmaster requiring that all crumbs be cleaned up at the end of the meal or the day). Or maybe you’re totally comfortable with strewn piles…. or maybe you are comfortable with them but your life will run more smoothly without them? I don’t have the actual answers, but I’m wondering if it would help to get super specific on what’s really truly important, now that you’re so peaceful and joyful. Which of your old rules were helping you to live your best life, and which do you want to let go now that your mind is free of unnecessary fear and pain? Now that you can live your ideal life and be so free and happy, what is it that you want from that person, chore wise? Really honoring this new, delightful way of living and being, what are the minimums required to also have a well-functioning household, and how would you like to divide that workload throughout the week? I would love to hear what you think and come up with!
I’m going to chew on this for a while. There are a lot of good suggestions in your comment.
I did plan this week, put work and homeschool on schedule.
On the home/chore front, I am setting a couple of to-dos for tomorrow (finish folding, sweep bathroom floor).
I actually did dishes as soon as dinner was over tonight.
That’s cool. You’ve already started figuring out how to integrate these two pieces just by writing about it, as demonstrated by your accomplishments and upcoming schedule. You’ve got this!
P.S. If you truly love the office work now, there’s always the option of hiring out the household stuff you least like; that’s never been an option I’ve chosen, but so many people have mentioned it to me that I thought I’d throw it out there 🙂 There’s also all the mom time saving hacks out there that might be worth considering (maybe you’re already doing most of them or they don’t fit your situation, but just another thing to consider as you scroll down your list of “must dos”…. just to see if there’s any way to make those chores get done even faster 🙂 And that’s so cool that you got so much done today 🙂